My favorite artist, Matt Potosky, drew this “Talking Tool” depicting our modern-day relationship crisis. We’re so addicted to pseudo-relating that we don’t even see or hear the people we’re with. We’ve trained our eyes to look down or to look away. We only hear a small part of what people around us are saying. And our arms and hands are busy texting, tweeting, snapping, or instant messaging instead of embracing those around us with our love.
Blaming our parents, our culture, our peers, our social anxiety, our distractability, or our addiction to screens is not going to solve our relationship problems. We must be willing to feel our own discomfort and pain if we’re ever going to be able to reach out and connect with the hurting people around us. We must be willing to be transparent and vulnerable if we ever expect to deeply connect with people. We must stop trying to manage our social image and become people who listen, look, and reach out with a desire to know and love people. Because if we’re honest with ourselves, we all want to be known and loved and accepted for who we are.
Developing eyes that see, ears that hear, and hands that reach out in love doesn’t happen overnight. I spent the first half of my life wondering if anyone would ever listen to me, discover what I was battling with, and care enough to do something about it. But when I became a dad, and my two-year-old son grabbed my face, turned it towards his face, and emphatically said, “Dad, you’re not listening to me,” I recognized I had the same problem. We can be in the same room with people we love and not really be there. Although there was a part of me that wanted to be defensive and say to my young toddler son, “I’m a trained, professional counselor, an expert listener,” but I knew he was right. I wasn’t paying attention to him at all.
That was twenty-six years ago. I’ll never forget how ashamed I felt for ignoring my own son. But God used his persistence to set in motion a quest to become more aware. More aware of God. More aware of myself. More aware of others. More aware of what goes on inside and between people. In order for people to trust and confide in me, I have to deal with anything in and around me that might prevent developing a trust-based relationship.
Now if you spend enough time with God and people, and you ask good questions, they’ll tell you what’s getting in the way of developing relational intimacy. You may not like hearing, “You have eyes, but you’re not seeing.” “You have ears, but they’re not listening.” “You have arms, but they’re crossed instead of hugging people.” “You’re guarding yourself so you don’t get hurt again, instead of opening up yourself to knowing and loving.” “You’re talking a lot, but you’re not really listening.”
This year, I wanted to connect more emotionally, spiritually, and relationally, so I took some radical steps. I started some Talking Matters groups using the game I designed for developing deeper relationships. I quit carrying my cell phone on me so I’m not tempted to relate to someone or something other than with the people around me. And wherever I go, I stop and notice people, I look for something good in them, and I celebrate their strengths.
We all have eyes and ears and hands. Each one is a God-given tool that needs to be developed. I could use my ADHD as an excuse for being inattentive or distracted. I could use the fact that I lost half my hearing as a teenager from the loud power tools in the woodshop as an excuse for not listening well to people. Or I could blame technology for my relationship challenges. But if I didn’t have or use technology, you wouldn’t be reading this blog. Let’s develop and wisely use each of the communication tools God has given us to show His love so people can see, hear, and feel God’s love.
What’s one change that you can begin to make today to become more attentive?