Trauma doesn’t have words, but it does come out in very strange ways. Tonight, it came out again in nightmares and sleeplessness and replaying horror films from the past. In the middle of the night, your body knows the next stories that must be written, that you don’t want to write, for the benefit of someone who needs to know that they are not alone in their pain.
Terror is the only word I know to express how I felt as a young boy when I was repeatedly forced to do what I hated to do. Whether it was being forced and manipulated to sing in front of people or to perform perverted sexual acts for someone’s pleasure. I hated it. I hated them. And I hated myself.
What it set up for this young boy was distortions. Images, music, sex, and relationships all became distorted. Vulnerable, unsafe, anger, and hate best describe how I felt. I hated music for years. The abuse I survived contributed to my developing a shame-producing porn addiction. And where was God in all this?
In my family you were only allowed to talk about “good things” and “good feelings.” But behind closed doors in my bedroom, I ran out of swear words so early in my life that I made up my own words to spew my anger at God, myself, and at the people who hurt, didn’t listen, or didn’t protect or help me. I didn’t really want to live in this world that felt so unsafe and beyond my control.
When I look back at my early years, I now have great compassion for this young boy. He needed someone who would listen and protect him. He needed some control in his life. He needed safe people in safe places. He needed boundaries. He needed to be allowed to make choices and say “NO.”
Back then I didn’t know God. I didn’t have a Christian worldview. I didn’t have clinical and theological training. There were no words, people, or places to process all this. I was just a little kid. I was shamed when I didn’t want to sing. I was threatened to never tell my secrets. I was stuck.
You may not know why all the bad things happened in your life. But God does. He’ll take your submitted pain, problems, and feelings and do more than you can dream or imagine. Only by His grace did He deliver me from pornography and heal my distorted images. Only by his grace was I given courage to confront my offender and forgive him. Only a healing and transforming God could put a song in my heart daily to sing and worship Him. Only a miracle-working God could commission me to spend my life helping abused and neglected kids, teens, and adults find rest, peace, and healing in Him.
Instead of spending your time and life hating God, choosing disbelief, hating yourself, or hating people, begin the process of change by acknowledging your feelings and talking about what happened to a safe person. You don’t have to spend your life living in fear and mistrusting everyone. You don’t have to keep reliving your past. You don’t have to stress yourself out trying to control everything and everyone. You don’t have to go through your whole life building walls, playing games, and wearing masks.
TILT was made for me and for you. The sticks and stones of life hurt. But now I can honestly say, that I wouldn’t want to repeat any part of my past, nor would I want to negotiate away any of it. Each story, even the traumatic ones, are chapters God uses to help me connect with Him and with people who need His love and healing. I hope I never grow up or grow too old to help people find the way. And now I can go back to sleep because I shared my stories that were keeping me awake.