If you think I’m writing a blog that’s just about kids who are in foster care, you might be disappointed. We live in an age of detachment. Kids, parents, families, workplaces, and churches can have attachment problems. Here’s what it looks like. If I don’t like what you are thinking or saying or wearing or listening to or doing or representing, I’ll cut myself off from you. I speak the language of love and celebrating diversity and tolerating differences, until you fall into a category of people that I disagree with, dislike, or hate. Oftentimes, those are the people or groups where I feel least welcomed or accepted or loved. When I don’t feel accepted or wanted or loved, or if I get emotionally triggered by you, I instinctively cut myself off and detach myself. And when I’ve been hurt by the people who were supposed to love me, I attach myself only to the few or the group that likes, thinks, or acts like me. But when I’ve alienated you, and I’m full of loneliness, I start hurting me.
The problem with cut-offs is that it can easily become a lifestyle. Whenever I feel discomfort or anxious or frustrated, I turn to my self-soothing processes that comfort me and cut off you. Not only is it personally and relationally destructive, it sets in motion a process of growing loneliness, distrust, and isolation. It doesn’t take long before my “friends” are the ones who agree with me, live on Facebook with me, go to church or to the bar once a week with me, or support my addictions. My attachment can shift from God and people to only that which I can control. But what I fail to recognize is that I’m losing more and more of me every day, and I’m alienating the people around me. I’m so afraid of being hurt or rejected or changing, that I close myself off from the rapidly changing real world God created, and from the people around me, and I just hang out with my favorites doing my favorite things.
When fear, anxiety, anger, hurt, pleasure, comfort, or control dominate my decision making, I can unknowingly be developing an attachment problem. I’m attaching myself to something or someone other than to God. I’m distancing myself from anything or anyone that causes me discomfort or frustration. Instead of turning to God when I feel triggered, I turn to anything that immediately eliminates my discomfort and makes me feel comfortable or numb. Alcohol. Food. Drugs. Work. Hobbies. Social media. Movies. Books. Pleasure.
Jesus, our Lord, wants us to cling to Him. He alone provides for all our needs. He wants us primarily to be attached to and dependent upon Him. His love satisfies like none of our worldly comforts can satisfy. He meets our core longings and provides us with His peace. His Spirit comforts us, empowers us, and compels us into a dark world of people who desperately need Him. We’re commissioned to go and make disciples of our people groups. Not because it feels good. It’s what our missional God made us for. God’s love is what compels us to be different, to love the unlovely, and to give to those who don’t know how to love or how to give back.
If you show up each day full of God’s love, people get triggered. They may burst into tears because you listen, and they’re so full of pain that they can’t keep it in. They may question your motives or make fun of you. They may label and judge you. They may become uncomfortable because they’re not used to being genuinely loved. They may shrink back. They may become anxious and stay away and be repelled by you. They may be drawn to you. And you may also get triggered by their responses to you.
That’s why it’s so important that our primary love attachment is not to people, this world, or our comfort zones. Jesus told His disciples they’ll be hated because He’s hated. We love because He first loved us. We must fuel off of God’s love if we’re going to have any staying power or spiritual influence with people around us. The more in love and attached you are to Jesus, the less you will be driven by your emotions or feel the need to distance yourself from hurting people Jesus died for. You won’t make disciples if you’re coddling your comfort zone. And that’s why most evangelical Christians aren’t sharing their faith or making disciples. Say “Amen” or “Ouch!”
If you want to know your primary attachment, just listen to what you talk about the most.